Opinion: Do You Have A Special Friend?

I`m a big believer in that special friendship between a man and a woman who might or might not be connected to each other by ties of blood but are very definitely connected by ties of the emotional kind.

This is a relationship forged over time, where they`ve seen each other through times thick and thin, been around to lend a shoulder to cry on, raise a wineglass in celebration, cover for each other, have each other`s back.

Devoid of the compulsions that raise their heads in romantic relationships, these `chosen` liaisons are free-wheeling, dotted with many caring moments intermixed with some inflicted cruelty, as well as many non-verbal but tangible acts of protecting each other`s interests. These are the OG 3am friends, these are BFFs who caution, counsel, console and cheer.

These close friendships between men and women go with the flow but seamlessly accept change when that change is inevitable. Like flex bands, they stretch, bend, twist, to accommodate what has to be accommodated. If parents start to object, there occurs a temporary break. If spouses and in-laws start to look askance, the relationship takes on a discreet mode. If children protest, as sometimes they do, it gets gently put on the back burner. It waits out all the opposition, then makes a quiet but inevitable redux.

Those are the external factors. The interior trial–by-fire such friendships go through involves the sexual tension between the two friends, lurking, tangible but deliberately unacknowledged or uncomfortably skirted around.

There is an old quote from Norman Mailer: When friends go down sexual street, it is to reach a disastrous dead- end. This doesn’t hold true any longer; quite a few people today have friends- with- benefits, and both parties seem to be able to manage things quite well.

Generally speaking, though, hot and heavy tends to derail this kind of relationship. If the sex is wonderful, well, that will inevitably seep into the relationship hereon. If it is less than good, that awkwardness is very hard to come to terms with, to get past.

And so, quite of a few of these `friend couples` have deliberately eschewed sex and are happier for it. They drift into romantic relationships with other people, and sometimes the close friend doesn’t feel too comfortable hanging with the new couple. But that`s alright; they will step back, confident that their particular place has not been taken, that they have not really been supplanted in the affections of their friend. Eventually, the romantic relationship will stabilise, and the door will be open for the special friend to re-enter.

Because, in the final analysis, that door is a sturdy one. It is not as transitory or febrile as relationships of blood or romantic relationships could and do sometimes turn out to be.

Which is what makes these men-women platonic relationships, these special friendships, so damned special. As the FB status line goes: it`s complicated. But boy, is it worth it.

https://www.newindianexpress.com/magazine/voices/2024/Oct/19/do-you-have-a-special-friend

This appeared in the New Sunday Express magazine of 20 October 2024.

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