Column: Love makes the world go round? Says who?
Love makes the world go round? Says who?
So here`s the thing. Despite the edgy love stories Malayalam cinema regularly puts out (anyone seen Mammooty`s Peranbu, where he settles down with a transwoman at the end?), despite the love songs our singers soulfully sing, the truth is that many people in Kerala are stuck in the Stone Age where `love marriages` are concerned.
So, when Boy and Girl fall in love with someone not chosen by their Amma-Achchan, much tension follows.
Now the thing is, in Kerala we don’t really do much in the way of honour killings. Mind, I’m not saying this doesn’t happen; what I am saying is that this doesn’t happen too often. What happens is, the offending youngsters are locked up (separately) and subjected to (a lot of) love-shaming.
Because that is one thing many of my fellow Malayalis are very good at: love-shaming. And going to ridiculous lengths to conceal `love marriages.`
Someone in the family recently broke off an arranged match at the engagement stage and in short order, informed his family that he wanted to marry a colleague, who was yes, a Hindu, but from the north. After the dust settled, the marriage went ahead with all pomp and ceremony, and that`s when I realized the narrative had undergone a 180-degree swivel.
His mother told me, “My son told us there was this colleague who was interested in marrying him, asked if he could say yes. We said, go ahead, as long as she is from a god-fearing, traditional family.“
The narrative floundered when I asked whether the boy had broken off his earlier engagement because he was anticipating a proposal from this girl.
More such tales
In quick succession, I recalled a friend telling me she married her Bengali collegemate because his parents (in Kolkata!) had spotted her (in Kochi!) and quite liked the idea of her being their bou. Another friend told me her daughter was marrying someone she`d been friends with for years. But it`s not a love marriage, she told me almost pleadingly, they are just friends.
The daughter of a close friend wed her senior in medical college. This was a minor misdemeanor, their liking each other, because they were of the same caste/creed/religion. Then the girl told me, “But people keep asking my mother if I`d been dating this guy for a while. And my mother is left red-faced with shame.“ Me, I was left red-faced from holding in my comments.
So, we now have weddings in Kerala where the bride or the groom may not necessarily be a Malayali, where the uber-brief Malayali ceremony is leavened with elements from Punjab, UP, Bihar, Kashmir. But please don`t make the mistake of asking if it is a love match. You will be given convoluted stories of outreaches from total strangers across India. And you will have to listen with impassive mien.
This appeared in the Sunday Express Magazine of 7 May 2023.
Related Links:
Guest column: Patriarchy in the land of matriarchy
Guest column: Sin City Blues, Bangalore through Kerala`s eyes
Guest column: Why are we so loud?
Column: Getting into all kinds of stuff
https://www.sheilakumar.in/2023/01/guest-column-whats-in-a-name/
Sheila Kumar • May 8, 2023